Letting Go
by Woman of Letters
Summary: In the episode Shadows, from Season 1, John, Dean and Sam meet after a long separation. Then they have to separate again. These are the thoughts and feelings of all three characters about finally reuniting, and then having to let each other go.
1. Letting Go

_A/N This takes place during the first season episode, Shadows. I was fascinated by the confrontation between John and Sam at the end of the episode. The first chapter is Sam's perspective on what happened in Shadows._

Letting Go

by CFEditor

_You__'__ve __got__ to__ let__ me __go._

Those words reverberated in Sam's head and he could only stare at the father that he'd only just found again. The father he was just starting to understand. The father who had thrown an arm around Dean when he saw him but who didn't do the same for Sam. Neither he nor his dad could cross that bridge. They had looked at each other like two prize fighters who were so used to swinging at each other that they didn't know how to act when the fight was over.

His father admitted that he was closing in on the demon, that he would kill it, not just send it to Hell. And Sam had said, "Take us with you," but his father refused. He didn't want his sons caught in the crossfire. _But__ Dad,_ Sam thought, _we__'__ve__ done __so __much__ since__ you__ left. __You __don__'__t__ have__ to__ worry__ about__ us._He said as much, but it didn't matter. "I'm your father," said his Dad, and though Sam wanted to protest that he wasn't a little boy who needed protection, something in the way his father spoke warmed him. Those three words were the closest his dad had ever come to saying "I love you."

He thought that would be it. But his father took it further.

"See, Sammy... The last time we saw each other, we had one hell of a fight..."

"Yes sir..." he answered, swallowing. _Would __they__ take__ up__ where__ they__ had __left __off?_

"It's good to see you. It's been a long time."

"Too long."

The words had been hard for both men. But there was a hole in the wall between them. Finally, they crossed the physical distance and embraced.

But then, just when he had found his dad again, the shadow demons attacked. It looked like the end had come, that none of them would survive. Quick thinking on Sam's part and a flare saved them all, chased the shadows away. Until his father uttered those fateful words.

_You__'__ve__ got__ to __let__ me __go._

They ran through Sam's head now, as he stared at his Dad. They were so like what Sam himself had said to Dean when they were talking about what they would do if they killed the demon that murdered Mom and Jess. "Dean, when this is all over" Sam had said, "you're going to have to let me go my own way."

And suddenly Sam saw that he and Dad were the same. He had promised to find justice for Jess; Dad had made the same promise for Mom. The same focus, the same obsession, was driving them. But Dad's quest had already taken 22 years, and his whole life was wrapped around the hunt; like Dean, he could see no other path. And the hunt demanded that he and his boys separate again.

Sam had only just found his father. But if Sam would demand that Dean let him go when his quest was over, when the rest of his life could continue, how could he not let Dad go now, even though their story was just beginning?


	2. Hell of a Thing

Hell of a Thing (Dean's Perspective)

_A/N Just when I thought this story was finished, it hit me. Dean was equally affected by having to let John go. And worse, he was the one who told him to go… Here is Dean's perspective on Shadows._

It was a bitch, letting Dad go.

It wasn't him leaving. I'm not gonna whine and say that people are always leaving me... I'm no whiner.

In my family, when shit happens, we suck it up and move on. We're good little soldiers.

Hell, you don't know me, and I don't know you. We're just barmates, havin' some whiskey. And that's the way I'd like to keep it.

The first one who left was Mom. She was taken.

Then Sam left. It hurt like hell, but I saw it comin' a mile away. Him and dad, they were always at each other's throats, and Sam, well, Sam wanted out of the life.

So me and Dad, we were together, and Sam was on his own. And the two of them, they weren't talking. I would send Sam letters on the sly. Truth is, Dad probably knew. He didn't say nothin', though. Didn't call me on it.

So when Dad disappeared, I went and got Sam and brought him back into the life. And then Jess up and left - she was taken, just like Mom.

But like I told Sam, it wasn't just Dad's disappearance.

Some hunters hunt alone. Not me.

Without Sam, without Dad, I just can't do it.

Sam and I, we protect each other. But our focus was finding Dad. Finding him and killing the thing that was after our family. I don't know why, but it's taken a personal interest in us. First Mom, then Jess... It's killing the people close to us.

When I know my family's next to me, I have somethin' I'm fighting for.

When the time comes, when all this is over, I don't know how I'm going to let Sam go.

So we'd found Dad. We were all set to kill the bastard as a family, before it took another one of us out. Hell, Dad and Sam were talking again. They even hugged (a _big _shocker).

And then it hit me.

I'm much better with Sam. But Dad was much better without us.

We're too much of a distraction.

I did the only thing I could. I pushed him away. Hell, I wanted him to stay.

It was hard on Sam, real hard. Sam was beggin' him to stay.

Like I said, it was a real bitch, lettin' Dad go.

Sam's asleep in the motel room. But I couldn't sleep.

So here I am. Just me, the whiskey, and you, the stranger I don't know, listening to my story.

Hell of a thing.


	3. Dad the Soldier

Dad the Soldier

_A/N So here's the final view on Shadows, John's. The shortest of the three, but here's hoping it captured him well._

Any soldier will tell you that furloughs are the toughest part of it all.

When you're in the field, you think of your family, you long for your family, but your heart and soul are in the conflict.

They'd better be. Or you're dead.

Come home, and the hard shell you've built up around your heart - it cracks. And then you have to go back again, get into the game again, and forget them all over again.

I can never forget my boys. Family is the reason for what I do. Hunting to keep my boys safe. Hunting to make it right for Mary.

Sam and I spoke tonight for the first time in years. It was real hard. He wanted to come with me, to fight this thing.

But I'm in the midst of the biggest war action of all - getting close to my prey - and I can't afford to make mistakes.

Dean reminded me of that.

When Dean and I were together, I could trust him to take care of himself. But this motherfucker is bigger game than we've ever tackled; killing it is the reason for my existence. And I don't want the boys hurt.

I have to do this myself.

Still - and it's not something I'd ever admit out loud - it hurt like hell to leave them.

It always does.

X X X X

_A/N So what did you think? Do you like this kind of story? I've been viewing older episodes to get a better feel for the characters, as, most of the time, I write about them either before the show begins or in early episodes. The idea for this came out of that immersion._


End file.
